My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Don't make out with my wife yet
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
