So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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