thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
