remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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