he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
