No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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