My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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