The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
