Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
