If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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