the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
