If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
