i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
