I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
