my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
