Too much gin, very little bucket
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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