just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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