I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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