Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
we should paint friendship bongs
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