his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
