just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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