His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
