I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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