proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The uberlube is also flammable
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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