dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
