I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
