If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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