I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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