I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
