We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
