I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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