im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
