When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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