3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
There was a lot of him and a little penis
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
