she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
