John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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