I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
