Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
