So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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