see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
