my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
