Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
