sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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