i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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