Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize