she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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