pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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