You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
