I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
