don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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