was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
