just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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