Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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