I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
A bitchslap is in order.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
