I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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