i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize